Your Sensuality & Sexuality: Exploring Back Door Love

NOTE: This article contains explicit and graphic material that may make some people uncomfortable.

Dear Devi,

I’ve always fantasized about anal sex. My boyfriend is interested, but we both feel nervous.

What’s the deal with anal? Why is it both enticing and scary? And how do we ease into it so that we can both get comfortable?


When it comes to anal play of any sort I have two primary recommendations:
First is start small and slow.  The second is to use generous quantities of LUBE.

One of the perks of being in an intimate relationship is having a trusted friend and companion to explore your emotional and sexual horizons with.

Many people don’t realize that the anal area has the second highest concentration of pleasure sensitive nerve endings (the genitals being first of course), so anal stimulation has the potential to be a whole other realm of sexual happiness for you.

That being said, many people understandably have a few “blocks” or fears around it.

In my opinion, one of the first things to take into account when exploring anal pleasure is the level of arousal for the receiver.

Just like you want to be “warmed up” for vaginal intercourse, you likewise need to be warm and ready for anal intercourse.

Also, as I said above, start small and slow. For me this would mean introducing a well lubed finger into the anus during prolonged foreplay (that might include massaging the g-spot). And then beginning to gently massage the anal area while stimulating the vulva and the clitoris.

This will generally help you relax into the sensation while providing a gentle, non-threatening form of penetration.

Then, for the actual anal intercourse, I recommend approaching it after about 10 minutes of vaginal penetration, and maybe after you have already had an orgasm or two.

And remember – lubrication is a girl’s best friend when it comes to backdoor love!

As for the mystique around it, there seems to be a rising interest in anal intercourse, which I and many others believe is due to the prevalence of anal sex in mainstream pornography. Often though, in pornography the sex is portrayed as quite rough, at times bordering on violence, and I have yet to see a bottle of lube being passed around to “ease entry.”

Rough, dry, un-lubricated anal sex before a woman (or man) is properly aroused can lead to anal fissures and tearing of delicate internal tissue, so this is something to be aware and cautious of.

In the midst of all this exploration, it’s important to also be aware of proper hygiene. I encourage couples to use a latex glove or finger-cot for manual anal play, and I suggest using a condom on whatever object or body-part is being inserted into the rectum. And please never, ever, ever, go directly from anus to vagina without washing. You would be risking bacterial infection. Remember thats the reason we’re taught to wipe from front to back!

That being said – I encourage couples to explore all of their sexual curiosities in a way that is loving, respectful, informed and most of all, consensual. In my opinion, that’s one of the perks of being in an intimate relationship – having a trusted friend and companion to explore your emotional and sexual horizons with.

I can think of nothing I’d rather do on “date night.”

Have a pressing question for Devi about your sensuality/sexuality? Contact her here. Put “Question for Devi” in the subject line.

See Devi’s other posts here



About Devi

Devi Ward is a pioneer in the field of women's sensual empowerment and focuses on helping women explore their sexual healing and sensual awakening. As a Black woman living in Detroit, Devi spent much of her early life feeling confused and disempowered. She now uses her years of healing and education to help women discover their own journeys of transcending fear and shame around the vital issue of how we see ourselves as sensual and sexual beings. Devi's recently released book is “Shake Your Soul-Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art Of Self-Pleasure.” Contact her through

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