Your Sensuality & Sexuality: How Do I Get Him to a Couples Workshop?

DEAR DEVI,

I’d like to attend a couples workshop with my partner, but he essentially says ‘no’ whenever I suggest the idea.

Without issuing an ultimatum (which I know is not a good idea), how do I communicate how important it is to me? There’s a part of me that’s really scared because I perceive his reluctance as not caring about our relationship. 

 

One of my favorite sayings in Nonviolent Communication created by Marshall Rosenberg is: “Every No is a Yes to something else”

So your partner saying “NO” to your workshop idea is him saying “YES” to something else that is really important to him. The trick is to find out what that is.Cartoon couple

But first – I’d suggest that you get in touch with your motivation for taking the workshop.

What is your desired outcome and what “needs” are you trying to meet?

Example – Are you wanting more intimacy? More Connection? More Pleasure? Are you wanting to be more educated about your body, his body, your pleasure, his pleasure, all of the above?

Do some self-inquiry and try nailing down exactly what it is you hope to get out of the experience.

Then try communicating your desire to him from the place of what you are hoping to achieve – more connection, better communication, more mutual pleasure. Share with him how valuable your relationship is and how you really think this could make it even MORE juicy for you both.

Chances are right now he’s not hearing the beauty of your desire for a more enriching mutual connection. Due to the filters of self-worth that we all have in place, especially around sexuality, he’s probably just hearing that there’s something wrong with what he’s currently doing and that he’s deficient in some way.

Chances are his NO isn’t to the idea of more intimacy and connection; his NO is to the idea that he isn’t doing it right, right now.

Blk couple talkingIf he continues to resist the idea find out what he’s saying “yes” to. Could it be he has a need for privacy and the workshop environment doesn’t work for him? Would he be more comfortable in a private setting? Is he open to exploring online videos?

If you are able to find out what his needs/values are around the situation, by truly being curious about what’s stopping him from diving in whole heartedly, chances are you can come up with a creative solution for you both.

That being said – If he really is just NOT open at this time to exploring your sexual relationship together, then I encourage you to embark upon the journey for yourself.

What I have seen time and time again is that as women become more comfortable, aroused, and empowered in their sexuality, it awakens something in their partners as well, and the partners begin to get curious about what’s been going on over there, without them. As your sexuality begins to blossom and grow it cannot help but affect your intimate relationship with your partner, and as he begins to see the results of your “practice” it may inspire him to find out more.

I like to say – “the proof of the pudding is in the eating” and if the pudding turns out to be really yummy, chances are someone will want to know the recipe so they can make more of it!

 

 

Have a pressing question for Devi about your sensuality/sexuality? Contact her here. Put “Question for Devi” in the subject line.

See Devi’s other posts here

 

Devi

About Devi

Devi Ward is a pioneer in the field of women's sensual empowerment and focuses on helping women explore their sexual healing and sensual awakening. As a Black woman living in Detroit, Devi spent much of her early life feeling confused and disempowered. She now uses her years of healing and education to help women discover their own journeys of transcending fear and shame around the vital issue of how we see ourselves as sensual and sexual beings. Devi's recently released book is “Shake Your Soul-Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art Of Self-Pleasure.” Contact her through www.femininemergence.com

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