Your Sensuality & Sexuality: Learning Through a “Sex Play Date”

NOTE: This article contains explicit and graphic material that may make some people uncomfortable.

Dear Devi,

My partner and I are exploring oral sex. He feels clumsy and unsure and I’d really like some tips on how I can support and encourage him on his way to becoming a world class lover. After all, the old saying goes, “Great lovers are made, not born”

 

I find it amusing how often we expect ourselves and our partners to just magically “know” where our sweet spots are and assume that we are experts in the intricate mechanics of bringing sexual pleasure.

Especially because chances are, no one has ever taught us about our sexual pleasure anatomy – much less how to communicate, stimulate, and share pleasure.

rodin The Kiss

Bronze sculpture of ‘The Kiss’ by Rodin. It’s a starting place.

My favorite approach to “learning” the pleasure map of my lover’s body is to take some time outside of our everyday sex, to have what I like to call a “sex play date.”

The whole purpose of this sex play date, is to do just that … play, explore, discover, with the only goal being mutual fun, pleasure and enjoyment.

This approach to sexual connection creates a no-pressure environment which makes it easy to implement some of the following “practical application” tips:

1)   Decide who’s going to be the “giver” and who is going to be the “receiver.” In this case, obviously you’re going to be receiving, but this exercise works both ways!

2)   Think of your pleasure on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being AWESOME!

3)   Now invite your “giver” to begin lightly touching and stroking your tummy, vulva, inner thighs and anywhere else you wish to be gently stroked. Communicate to him/her verbally (i.e. with WORDS) about pressure, placement, letting him/her know what is a 10 or close to it.

4)   After you feel more relaxed and settled in with each other, I suggest starting your pleasure with some sort if vulva massage (detailed instructions for this can be found from various sources). I like to think of vulva massage as “preparing the body for pleasure.”

5)    After your body has been prepared, it’s time to pleasure. Have your partner begin with finger or tongue and invite him/her to try different styles of stroking. For example: circular motions, vertical strokes, horizontal strokes, light pressure, more pressure, etc. etc, giving him/her verbal feedback about which style of stimulation you like the best.

6)   Proceed in this manner until you find your 10 spot, and then relax and enjoy, remembering to let your partner know if and when you want anything different. Our bodies change as we become more aroused and tissues become engorged, so change in pressure, direction, etc. is to be expected

The 2 most important keys to sexual happiness in my opinion are:

  • Never expect that your partner “should” or does just know what you like. It’s YOUR body, so you are the one with the users manual.
  • Keeping that in mind COMMUNICATE VERBALLY. This is not charades and your partner should NOT be expected to read and understand your “subtle body-language cues.”  If they do, that’s great, but our partners are not mind readers or sexual body language experts.Remember – sex is a team sport and players need feedback to win!

Have a pressing question for Devi about your sensuality/sexuality? Contact her here. Put “Question for Devi” in the subject line.

See Devi’s other posts here

 

Devi

About Devi

Devi Ward is a pioneer in the field of women's sensual empowerment and focuses on helping women explore their sexual healing and sensual awakening. As a Black woman living in Detroit, Devi spent much of her early life feeling confused and disempowered. She now uses her years of healing and education to help women discover their own journeys of transcending fear and shame around the vital issue of how we see ourselves as sensual and sexual beings. Devi's recently released book is “Shake Your Soul-Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art Of Self-Pleasure.” Contact her through www.femininemergence.com
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